Dirk and I have been invited to participate in a break-out session as part of a marriage conference next weekend.  The subject we were requested to share about:

COMMUNICATION

I’ll be sharing some thoughts this week from our preparation.

Our relational discussions really don’t have to end up in a blow-out fight if we have some guidelines and boundaries in place.  Then we can be in control of the argument, rather than the argument controlling us.

Here is a hand-out we are working on.

ALWAYS

Believe your mate has your best interest at heart

Listen. Ask yourself, “Is there any truth to this?”

See the discussion as an opportunity for understanding rather than for winning.

Remove sarcasm, cynicism, and anger from your words and tone.

Stay on topic.

See the issue as “our” issue, not “his” or “her” issue

Keep the discussion only between you and your mate

Take responsibility for yourself and your actions

Recognize your limits. If things are heating up, agree to a time-out.

Finish the discussion. Don’t leave it open-ended.

Forgive

NEVER

See your mate as the adversary

Belittle, insult, call names or use abusive language

Label or compare (“You are so ________” or You are just like your _________”)

Try to have the last word

Shut down and use the silent treatment

Put up defenses and retaliate verbally

Tear down the other’s character and personality. Keep it about behavior.

Use the D word (divorce)

Threaten, yell, scream, slam doors or throw, hit or break things

Walk away or leave the house (except for an agreed upon time-out)

Bring up the past or former unresolved discussions

Blame or make accusations

Generalize – “You always”, “You never”, “Can’t you just…?”, “You are so…”

Make assumptions about what you think your mate is saying. Ask direct questions.

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What do you think?  Any additions or suggestions?

Can these guidelines help to control the argument rather than it controlling us?